New Sun
by not-cute-but-dazzling-alice
Summary: New Moon from Edward's POV. Title because Jacob is Bella's New Sun and it's the NEW moon version of midnight SUN. Please review!
1. Prologue

**Prologue**

**I don't own Twilight, -sigh- . I am dazzling, but not that brilliant  
Sooo sorry if this has already been done. If it has, hopefully our ideas are a bit different. **

I gazed unseeing at the sea of red in front of me, seeing nothing but here face. Adults, children, all celebrating. It all seemed so pointless. Didn't they know? Didn't they know that the reason for my being, the purest, most beautiful creature in the universe was gone? The thought of her somewhere, happy and well, no chance that I would lose control and end her life was all that had kept from coming here before. All the self-sacrifice, the pain, had been for nothing. She was gone anyway, and in a sick, twisted way, I had killed her in my attempt to keep her alive.

I could almost imagine her voice. Almost imagine her smell, so tempting in its beauty. I wondered if it would have been different, if I hadn't left. Stayed with her, changed her, as she so desperately wanted. The taboo thought crossed my minds before I could stop it, and I moaned softly at the thought of being together, with her, forever, with no danger. But I had sworn not to hurt her anymore, and I wouldn't. If I had loved her enough, I would have been stronger than this.

I looked at the clock. The two hands were almost aligned. I felt a strange sense of peace wash over me as I realized that it would all be over soon. The pain of being without her, the pain of losing her would leave me and I could be in peace. I imagined her by my side as I closed my eyes, and took a step into the sun.


	2. Chp1 Party

**Party**

**Still don't own Twilight. Stephenie Meyer does. **

I looked down at the sleeping girl in my arms. Bella, my love. She tossed slightly.  
'Grandma Marie,' she moaned, 'Edward, no' I felt a bit smug. She was dreaming about me. As usual. I smiled down at her.  
'Edward, she doesn't know, no Edward.' Not for the first time, and certainly not the last, I struggled to figure out what was going on in her head. I'd have to leave soon, she would wake up soon, and her father, Charlie, didn't know I was here. I would run all the way home and then meet her at school again. I smiled at the thought, as I did at any thought that involved Bella.  
'NO!' yelled Bella. I was out the window before she opened her eyes, panting.

I sprinted home, a small part of my expansive mind wondering what her dream had been about. I reached the house within a matter of minutes, probably about two and got changed into new clothes. I was just getting in my Volvo, the least noticeable of all our cars, though still exceptionally new, for Forks anyway. Alice jumped into the front seat.  
'Bella's coming over tonight. I'm throwing her a party,' she announced.  
'Does she know that yet?' I answered wryly.  
'_No.' _Alice thought, '_Of course she doesn't. But she will. She wouldn't ruin my fun, she loves me too you know!' _I sighed. She was right. Bella would be difficult though. She was touchy about birthdays.  
'She has to work.' I answered.  
'_No she doesn't. Mrs. Newton agreed to swap shifts,' _She thought, a little smugly.  
We were already halfway to the school. I drove even faster than usual, in an effort to see her sooner.

I was leaning against the side of the Volvo when Bella pulled up in her Chevy. I sighed. I desperately waned to buy her a new car, but she wouldn't let me. She was just so stubborn. Alice skipped away from my side to meet her.  
'Happy birthday Bella' she squeaked, her face glowing.  
'Shh,' she hissed, before glancing round the lot to make sure no one had heard. I suppressed a laugh. She would get mad at me for laughing. Alice just ignored her, chattering on like she hadn't spoken.  
'Do you want to open your presents now or later,' she asked.  
'No presents,' Bella mumbled grumpily. I sighed. They were walking towards me now. Alice finally seemed to get the hint.  
'Okay… later, then. Did you like the scrapbook your mum sent you? And the camera from Charlie?' Bella sighed.  
'Yeah, they're great.'  
'_I _think it's a nice idea. You're only a senior once. Might as well document the experience.' Alice said and in spite of herself, Bella smiled wryly.  
'How many times have _you_ been a senior' I smiled. She had a point.  
'That's different.' She was close enough for me to touch then. I reached my hand towards her, and she took it. I squeezed her fingers, smiling, just a little bit smug as her heart stuttered. My free hand traced the outside of her lips.  
'So, as we discussed, I am not allowed to wish you a happy birthday, is that correct?'  
'Yes, that is correct,' she replied.  
'Just checking,' I sighed, running my hands through my hair, 'You _might _have changed your mind. Most people seem to enjoy things like birthdays and gifts.' But then again, Bella wasn't most people, I thought. Alice laughed though.  
'Of course you'll enjoy it. Everyone is supposed to be nice to you and give you your way. What's the worst that could happen?' It was meant to be a rhetorical question, but Bella answered anyway.  
'Getting older,' she whispered her voice cracking. I frowned. She shouldn't worry about that. Alice grimaced too.  
'Eighteen isn't very old, don't women usually wait till they're twenty-nine to get upset over birthdays?'  
'It's older than Edward,' she mumbled. I sighed; I was over one-hundred.  
'Technically,' Alice said. She kept her voice light, though in her thoughts she was mumbling to herself grumpily, 'Just by one little year, though'  
'_I don't know how you put up with her Edward. It's her birthday, isn't she supposed to be happy?'_ she thought. I smiled at her behind Bella's back.  
'What time will you be at the house?' she asked Bella aloud.  
'I didn't know I had plans to be there.' Bella replied. I smiled smugly at Alice. I knew Bella better than she did.  
'_Shut up.' _Alice thought at me, even though technically, I hadn't said anything.  
'Oh, be fair, Bella! You aren't going to ruin our fun like that, are you?' she moaned.  
'I thought my birthday was all about what _I _want.' Bella replied stubbornly.  
'_Edward, she's going to be difficult. Help,' _Alice thought.  
'I'll get her from Charlie's right after school,' I said.  
'I have to work.' She protested. I exchanged a wry smile with Alice.  
'You don't actually. I already spoke to Mrs. Newton about it. She's trading your shifts. She said to tell you 'Happy Birthday''  
'I-I still can't come over,' she stammered, 'I, well, I haven't watched _Romeo and Juliet _yet for English.'  
_'She's like, memorized that, hasn't she.'_ Alice thought. I inclined my head slightly. Bella had a thing for classics.

'You have _Romeo and Juliet _memorized,' Alice accused. Bella scrambled for another excuse.  
'But Mr. Berty said we need to see it performed to truly appreciate it - that's how Shakespeare intended it to be presented.' I rolled my eyes. Bella was just so stubborn.  
'You've already seen the movie.' Alice was running out of patience.  
'But not the nineteen-sixties version. Mr. Berty said it was the best.'  
'This can be easy or this can be hard, Bella, but one way or another-'Alice was glaring at Bella now, It was time for me to step in. I my cleared throat.  
'Relax Alice. If Bella wants to watch a movie, then she can. It's her birthday.' Bella looked smug.  
'So there.'  
'I'll bring her over round seven; it will give you more time to set up.' Bella looked upset, but Alice laughed, appeased.  
'Sounds good. See you tonight Bella. It'll be good, you'll see.' She pecked Bella on the cheek and danced away before she could respond, happily planning for the party in her head.  
'Edward, please-'Bella started, before I pressed my finger to her lips.  
'Let's discuss it later. We're going to be late for class.' I wouldn't be, but Bella walked really slowly.

As we walked into the classroom, people weren't thinking about us. We were considered normal. So what, Bella and Edward. It was a relief not to have Mike Newton thinking various ways for me to die, and then Bella fall in love with him. It was funny how completely Bella had changed my life. Once I had considered school necessary, and tedious, so dull it could almost past for sleep. Now I amused myself by studying Bella's every expression. She was beautiful, in every way. I thought of her smell, so appealing to me, as a small price to pay for the fortune of spending my life in her company.

After school I escorted her to her car. Usually I drove my car home, and came round later, but I didn't trust her not to make a run for it. I opened the passenger door for her. But she just stood in the rain. I felt a familiar frustration that I couldn't read her mind as I waited for her to explain herself.  
'It's my birthday, don't I get to drive?' she asked. I sighed internally.  
'I'm pretending it's not your birthday, just as you wished.'  
'If it's not my birthday then I don't have to go to your house tonight…' I almost smiled. She was pretty smart sometimes, but it still annoyed me. I shut the door and opened the driver's door for her.  
'All right, Happy birthday.'  
'Shush,' she murmured. She probably wished I'd carried on pretending it wasn't her birthday. I remembered something that Alice had asked me to do. I started to fiddle with her radio. It was so old, it only received about two stations, and those had static all the time.  
'Your radio has horrible reception.' I told her. She frowned. She liked the truck, she didn't like it when I picked on it.  
'You want a nice stereo? Drive your own car.' She sounded so gloomy, I couldn't help but smile. So much tension over a birthday. Only Bella. I knew how distract her though. I leaned in towards her, letting my breath fan over her face.  
'You should be in a good mood, today of all days.' I whispered. Her heart thumped irregularly.  
'And if I don't want to be in a good mood?' she asked.  
'Too bad.' She looked dazed as I leant down and pressed my lips to hers. They were soft and warm, and gave very easily. I imagined that mine must feel cold and hard to her. She behaved herself for a while, but then she wrapped her arms around my neck. I smiled to myself an unlocked her arms. I always stopped when I felt she was going too far, and I was enjoying myself too much. One of my worst nightmares that I would lose control and crush her.  
'Be good please,' I whispered. I kissed her again, then she pulled away.  
' Do you think I'll ever get better at this?' She wondered aloud. 'That my heart will stop trying to jump out of my chest whenever you touch me?' I almost frowned at the thought. I liked hearing her hearts reaction to my closeness.  
'I really hope not.' She rolled her eyes.  
'Let's go watch the Montagues and the Capulets hack each other up, all right?'  
'Your wish, my command.'

I fast-forwarded through the credits, and pulled her into me, so we were lying on the couch together. I didn't really want to watch the movie. I just wanted to see Bella's reaction.  
'You know, I've never really had that much patience with Romeo,' I remarked.  
'What's wrong with Romeo?' She sounded hurt. It made me feel uncomfortable to know she cared about other men, even fictional ones. That was selfish though. But I was an essentially selfish creature.  
'Well first of all he's in love with Rosaline – don't you think that makes him a little fickle? And then, a few minutes after their wedding, he kill's Juliet's cousin. That's not very brilliant. Mistake after mistake. Could he have destroyed his own happiness anymore thoroughly?' She sighed.  
'Do you want me to watch this alone?'  
'No, I'll probably be watching you, anyway.' I ran my fingers across her arm, watching her goose bumps. 'Will you cry?'  
'Probably, if I'm paying attention.' She sounded sheepish.  
'I won't distract you then.' I murmured my lips against her hair. I whispered Romeo's lines in her ear as the movie progressed, and at the end, she did cry, when Juliet found Romeo dead.

Humans had it so easy. Take a little vial of poison, and they're dead. I don't know how many times Carlisle tried. When I was racing to save Bella from James, while my plan centered on finding her alive, a part of my mind wondered, what if she's not alive. What if I'm too late? It's not as if I could ask Emmett and Jasper to kill me. They wouldn't hear of it and I knew I couldn't live without Bella. I'd decided I would go to the Volturi; they liked Carlisle enough to grant me a favor. These memories had taken me about half a second, if that. Bella was still watching Juliet cry.  
'I'll admit, I do sort of envy him there.' I said, drying her tears with her hair. I didn't like seeing her sad.  
'She's very pretty,' Bella answered. No she wasn't. Compared to Bella, she was a gargoyle. Bella never saw herself clearly. I snorted.  
'I don't envy him the _girl_-just the ease of the suicide. You humans have it so easy! All you have to do is throw down one tiny vial of plant extracts…'  
'What?' she gasped. I wondered how I had offended her. Oh, talking about me dying.  
'It's something I had to think about once, and I knew from Carlisle's experience it wouldn't be simple. I'm not even sure how many ways Carlisle tried to kill himself in the beginning, after he realized what he'd become...And he's clearly still in excellent health.' She twisted around to look at me, still looking horrified.  
'What are you talking about? What do you mean something you had to think about once?'  
'Last spring, when you were…nearly killed…' I couldn't remain teasing anymore. I took a breath and started again. I didn't want to upset her. 'Of course I was focusing on finding you alive, but part of my mind was making contingency plans. Like I said, it's not as easy for me as it for a human.' She shook away the bad memories and looked at me. She looked like she felt sick.  
'Contingency plans?'  
'Well, I wasn't going to live without you,' I rolled my eyes, that much was obvious, ' But I wasn't sure how to do it – I knew Emmett and Jasper would never help… so I was thinking maybe I would go to Italy and do something to provoke the Volturi.' She looked furious.  
'What is a _Volturi_?'  
'The Volturi are a family. A very large, very powerful family of our kind. They are the closest thing our world has to a royal family, I suppose. Carlisle lived with them briefly in his early years, in Italy, before he settled in America – do you remember the story?'  
'Of course I remember.' She looked lost in memories.  
'Anyway, you don't irritate the Volturi. Not unless you want to die – or whatever it is we do.' She held my face in her hands. Pretty tightly, for her.  
'You must never, never, never think of anything like that again! No matter what might ever happen to me, you are _not allowed _to hurt yourself!'  
'I'll never put you in danger again, so it's a moot point.'  
'_Put _me in danger? I thought we established all the bad luck is my fault. How dare you even think like that?' It was easy for her to say that, it wasn't like I was going to die anytime soon. She didn't have enough perspective.  
'What would you do if the situation were reversed?'  
'That's not the same thing.' Of course it was. I laughed in spite of myself; she didn't seem to believe I loved her s much as I did. 'What if something did happen to you? Would you want me to go _off _myself?' That stopped me. Even if I was dead, her not alive was a thought I didn't like to let cross my mind. But still…living without her.  
'I guess I can see your point… a little. But what would I do without you?'  
'Whatever you were doing before I came along and complicated your existence.' Before she came along, I was doing nothing but wait for her. I just hadn't known it. I sighed.  
'You make that sound so easy.'  
'It should be. I'm not really that interesting.' That was basically blasphemy, but I let it go. I could argue about it with her later.  
'Moot point.' I said instead. I heard a car pulling up. Charlie was home. I adjusted Bella so that we weren't touching.  
'Charlie?' She guessed. I smiled. She took my hand firmly, not willing to let me go.

Charlie came in, with a box of pizza in his hands. His thoughts were mildly disgruntled at my presence, but he was used to it.  
'Hey kids. I thought you'd like a break from cooking and washing dishes for your birthday. Hungry?' He obviously wasn't talking to me. I never ate here, or at all, so he was used to it.  
'Mind if I borrow Bella for the evening?' I asked. I was sure Bella was hoping he would say yes. He wouldn't though. She should know him better than that.  
'That's fine – the Mariners are playing the Sox tonight, so I won't be any kind of company.' Sure enough, disappointment flickered across Bella's face.  
'Here,' He scooped up Bella's new camera and tossed it to her. He really should have known better than that. I snagged it before it hit the ground.  
'Nice save. If they're doing something fun at the Cullen's tonight, Bella, you should take some pictures. You know how your mother gets – she'll be wanting to see the pictures faster than you can take them.'  
'Good idea, Charlie.' I passed Bella the camera. She quickly took a picture of me.  
'It works,' she said happily.  
'That's good,' said Charlie, 'Hey, say hi to Alice for me. She hasn't been over for a while.' He frowned slightly.  
'It's been three days, Dad.' Charlie had a little obsession with Alice. She had helped Bella when she was recovering from…last spring.  
'I'll tell her,' said Bella.  
'Okay. You kids have fun tonight.' Charlie was already moving towards the TV. I smiled. There was no way Bella was getting out of this.

I towed her out the door. This time she let me drive. Not that it was much fun in this car. It wouldn't go over fifty.  
'Take it easy,' said Bella as I tried to push it past its internals speed limit. I desperately wanted to buy her a new, fast (or faster) car…  
'You know what you would love? A nice little Audi coupe. Very quiet, lots of power…'  
'There's nothing wrong with my truck. And speaking of expensive nonessentials, if you know what's good for you, you didn't spend any money on birthday presents.'  
'Not a dime.' I was actually telling the truth. It had been hard though…  
'Good.  
'Can you do me a favor?' I asked cautiously.  
'That depends on what it is,' Bella answered, equally cautious. I sighed, she was so difficult sometimes.  
'Bella that last real birthday any of us had was Emmett in 1935. Cut as a little slack, and don't be to difficult tonight. They're all very excited'  
'Fine, I'll behave,' She hadn't noticed when I said all…  
'I probably should warn you…'  
'Please do.'  
'When I say they're all excited… I do mean _all_ of them.' He face went a little pale.  
'Everyone? I thought Emmett and Rosalie were in Africa.'  
'Emmett wanted to be here.'  
'But... Rosalie?'  
'I know, Bella. Don't worry, she'll be on her best behavior.' Rosalie hated Bella for being human, and taking it for granted. If I didn't love her as much as I did, it might annoy me too. I changed the subject.

'So, if you won't let me get you the Audi, isn't there anything else you'd like for your birthday?'  
'You know what I want.' I did, too well. But I didn't want to have this argument now.  
'Not tonight, Bella. Please.'  
'Well, maybe Alice will give me what I want.' She wouldn't dare.  
'This isn't going to be your last birthday.'  
'That's not fair!' I clenched my jaw.

We had reached the house by now. Even for Alice, this was overkill. It was beautiful, al pink and light. Definitely not Bella. She moaned softly. I wouldn't let her see my dismay.  
'This is a party. Try to be a good sport.'  
'Sure,' she muttered. I opened her door for her.  
'I have a question,' she said idly. I waited suspiciously, not wanting to return to our argument. 'If I develop this film, will you show up in the picture?' I laughed, relieved. I helped her out of the car, up the stairs and opened the door for her, still laughing.

My family was waiting in the living room, and greeted us with a loud, 'Happy Birthday.' Bella looked embarrassed. The entire room was pink and crystal. A cake, which no one would eat, sat on a table next to a small pile of presents. I wrapped my arm around her waist and kissed her hair to comfort her. No-one would be impressed if she ran out of the room. Esme and Carlisle moved over to greet her too.  
'Sorry about this, Bella,' Carlisle stage whispered, ' We couldn't rein Alice in.'  
'You haven't changed at all,' said Emmett, ' I expected a perceptible difference, but here you are, red faced as always.'  
'_Hey bro,' _he thought, _'Nice to see you again. Don't worry, Rose'll be good tonight.' _  
'Thanks a lot Emmett,' Bella said, proving what he said about red-faced. He laughed.  
'I have to step out for a second,' He said, winking at Alice. 'Don't do anything funny while I'm gone.'  
'I'll try.'  
'_I'll tell you when I'm ready.' _Emmett thought. Alice skipped to Bella's side.  
'Time to open presents,' declared Alice and dragged Bella to the table. Bella looked slightly sick.  
'Alice, I know I told you I didn't want anything-'  
'But I didn't listen,' she interrupted, handing Bella a present, 'Open it.'  
_'Ready, it's not done, but she shouldn't be able to get it out, without mutilating the truck.' _Emmett thought from outside. Bella tore off the paper, revealing a box. She opened it, but it was empty.  
'Umm… thanks?' Everyone laughed, even Rosalie smiled a little.  
'It's a stereo for your truck. Emmett's installing it right now so that you can't return it.'  
'Thanks, Jasper, Rosalie,' She grinned, 'Thanks Emmett' she called. He laughed.  
'Open mine and Edward's next,' trilled Alice. Bella glared at me, not very well though.  
'You promised.' Emmett entered before I could answer.  
'Just in time,' he crowed.  
'I didn't spend a dime,' I assured her, ignoring Emmett. I brushed a strand of hair away from her face. Jasper drifted closer to look. Bella breathed deeply, bracing herself.  
'Give it to me.' She sighed. Emmett chuckled.

She rolled her eyes at me and started to open the present.  
'Shoot,' she muttered.

I smelt the blood. The monster inside me raged to launch myself at her, kill her now. I wasn't the only one. I jumped forward, only to slam into Jasper. That brought me back to my senses. Bella was more important than her blood. I had to keep her alive. I stopped breathing. Jasper was still fighting with me, trying to get past me to Bella, his entire thoughts consumed with bloodlust. The force of us pushed into the table, crystal shattered, and Bella fell into it, cutting herself in a million different placing. The rest of my family, except for Carlisle all relatively calm, now turned to her, bloodlust raging in their eyes.

**Okay, that was a long chapter. Blame Stephenie, I'm sticking to her story. I hope you liked it so far. Please review, I want opinions other than my friends (but I do love you guys). I'll update as soon as I can, which could be a while. Thanks my gorgeous friends, cos you're cool, and my sister, for dictating for me. Makes it so much faster. Mwah.**


	3. Chp2 Stiches

**Stitches**

**Once again, I don't own Twilight. That's getting really depressing to write.  
If you read my story, PLEASE review! I need feedback. Even if you hate it, review. Pleeeease. **

I felt like my throat was on fire. I hadn't breathed in ages, but somehow, the smell got through to me, overriding all my senses. I had tasted her blood, I knew how good it was, the slightest slip in concentration and I would lunge at her. Only my love, so strong, could conquer this. The rest of my family was nearly as consumed by thirst as I was. Jasper's thoughts were no longer coherent, just a need for Bella's blood. Alice had remained reasonably calm, she loved Bella almost as much as I did, and she wasn't breathing. Esme and Emmett were having difficulty too. They were both in control though, thinking about Bella as a person, rather than a meal. Rosalie was in control too. Though, unlike the rest of my family, it wasn't because she loved Bella.  
'_He should have known this would happen sooner or later. It's hardly surprising.' _I would've growled at her, but I had no breath. Carlisle didn't seem affected at all. This made me feel weak.  
'Emmett, Rose, get Jasper outside,' he commanded. They both moved over to restrain him, Emmett's face uncharacteristically serious. Jasper struggled with them, completely beyond reason. I released my hold on him on crouched over Bella, in case he broke free. They wrestled him outside.

Esme followed them, with a hand over her mouth and nose. Loving and caring as she was, she couldn't stand this side of her nature.  
'I'm so sorry, Bella,' she sobbed. Carlisle came over to me.  
'Let me by, Edward.' He murmured. I still wasn't thinking clearly. It took me a second before I registered that Carlisle was still breathing and his eyes were a deep gold. He wasn't overcome by thirst like me. He knelt down to examine Bella's arm. She still looked shocked. She managed to compose her face a little.  
'Here, Carlisle,' Alice was handing Bella a towel. She looked calm too. I was the only one in the room still struggling not to hurt Bella. Carlisle shook his head at her.  
'Too much glass in the wound. He formed a rough tourniquet out of a strip of tablecloth. 'Bella, do you want me to drive you to the hospital, or would you like me to take care of it here?'  
'Here, please,' she whispered.  
'I'll get your bag,' said Alice as she left the room.  
'Let's take her to the table,' suggested Carlisle. I nodded, I had no breath to speak. Picking Bella up was no harder than usual, but nearly impossible. This close, her blood was almost irresistible. Carlisle kept a steady pressure on her arm as we walked.  
'How are you doing Bella?' he asked.  
'I'm fine,' her voice was steady, but barely so.

Alice was already in the room, with the bag on the table and a light turned on. I put Bella down in a chair, and Carlisle pulled one up next to her. He started picking out bits of glass. I stood over her, not sure what I was protecting her from, but unwilling to leave her.  
'Just go Edward,' she sighed.  
'I can handle it,' I said through my teeth. But I knew my face would contradict my words.  
'You don't have to be a hero. Carlisle can fix me up without your help. Get some fresh air,' she insisted. She winced as Carlisle kept working on her arm. I couldn't leave her. I didn't want to be weak.  
'I'll stay.'  
'Why are you so masochistic?' she mumbled. I ignored her. Carlisle sighed.  
'Edward, you may as well go find Jasper before he gets too far. I'm sure he's upset with himself and I doubt he'll listen to anyone but you right now.'  
'Yes,' Bella said eagerly, 'go find Jasper.'  
'You might as well do something useful,' Alice added from the corner. I narrowed my eyes. They were all ganging up on me. Giving me a job to make me feel special, like I was a child. But it was better than waiting here, watching Carlisle do what I was unable to, fighting the urge to kill her. I nodded and fled the room.

I slipped outside, then ran, as fast as I could, following Jasper's scent trail. It felt good, but still somehow wrong to breathe. I found him a few miles away; he had distanced himself so he wouldn't be tempted to return. I could smell Emmett and Rosalie somewhere nearby. Giving him some privacy, but still there, just in case.  
'_Edward,' _he thought, '_I'm so sorry. It's, my fault. I'm so weak. I couldn't stop myself. I _wasn't _myself. I had no control. I'll leave. I'll go to Denali.' _I just stood, impassive. He looked up at me, his eyes still black, but filled with guilt.  
'It's not your fault,' I sighed. I wanted to blame him, it would be so easy. But Bella wouldn't have been there if it wasn't for me. If I didn't exist, which I shouldn't, she would have spent the night at home, or with her friends. Every day she suffered because of what I was. It couldn't be Jasper' fault.  
'_Then whose fault is it? Not Bella's. And it wouldn't have happened if I wasn't there.'  
'_It's my fault Jasper. She wouldn't have been there if not for me.'  
'_That's just stupid, Edward. You kno-'_Alice entered the clearing. She immediately sat by Jasper.  
'No one blames you. It's not your fault.' As always, Alice knew exactly what he was thinking. She put an arm around him.  
'Don't try to make me feel better. If I wasn't in the room when she cut herself, the rest of you would have been fine.' He shrugged out of her hold.  
'Well, Bella doesn't blame you, and neither does Edward.' She retorted. 'You couldn't help it.' Jasper just sighed and looked at his hands.  
'Exactly, I couldn't help it. I'm too weak.'  
'_Leave.' _Thought Alice, '_you need to go back to Bella, they should be done by now. I'll talk him round. We'll go to Denali for a while if we have to. We'll say goodbye later.'_ I nodded and left, back to Bella.

The first thing that hit me when I got back was the smell. I had braced myself for it, but it wasn't something I could prepare for. I stalled outside for a while, preparing myself. Alice came to my side.  
'He's wallowing. I'll talk to him later.' She said quietly. We entered through the back door. I could smell straight bleach. The smell hurt my nose, and it was a relief. That wasn't a good sign. Alice raced towards Bella, but I stayed back, not trusting myself and hating myself for it.  
'C'mon,' Alice said, 'I'll get you something less macabre to wear.' They disappeared upstairs.  
'_Are you okay?'_ thought Carlisle.  
'I'm fine,' I answered stiffly. Something about my face kept him from pressing it. I tried not to read his thoughts. Alice and Bella were talking upstairs. Bella was whispering, trying not to be heard. It didn't make a difference.  
'Alice.'  
'Yes,' Alice sounded curious.  
'How bad is it?'  
'I'm not sure yet.'  
'How's Jasper?'  
'He's very unhappy with himself. It's all so much of a challenge for him, and he hates feeling weak.'  
'It's not his fault. You'll tell him that I'm not mad at him, not at all, won't you?'  
'Of course.'

When she reached the bottom of the stairs, I held the door open for her without a word. I didn't trust myself to speak. She walked towards me warily. This made me feel uncomfortable. She didn't know how to act around me.  
'Take your things!' Alice cried, trying to alleviate the tension She passed Bella the camera, and two packages.  
'_Lighten up Edward. You're freaking her out,' _she thought at me.  
'You can thank me later, when you've opened them,' she said aloud. Carlisle and Esme moved over to say goodnight to Bella. All three of them kept stealing glances at me when they thought I wasn't looking. Like I was a bomb about to go off if they said the wrong thing.

We walked to the car in silence, they roses and lanterns completely at odds with the atmosphere. I opened the passenger door, and she got in, thankfully without complaint. She pulled the big, reed ribbon of the radio and kicked it under the chair. I pretended not to notice. I broke the silence by starting up the trucks engine. It sounded even louder than usual in the gloomy silence.  
'Say something,' she finally begged. I wanted to hold her, tell her how sorry I was, that it was all my fault. Instead I said,  
'What do you want me to say?' I worked hard to keep my voice detached.  
'Tell me you forgive me.'  
'Forgive _you? _For what?' What had she done wrong? She was being ridiculous. I flicker of anger broke through my carefully composed mask.  
'If I'd been more careful, nothing would've happened.'  
'Bella, you gave yourself a paper cut. That hardly deserves the death penalty.'  
'It's still my fault.' How on earth was it her fault? If I couldn't blame Jasper, there was no way I was blaming Bella.  
'Your fault?' If you'd cut yourself at Mike Newton's house, with Jessica and Angela and your other normal friends, the worst that could have possibly happened would be what? Maybe they couldn't find you a bandage? If you'd tripped and knocked over a pile of glass plates on your own – without someone throwing you into them – even then what's the worst? You'd get blood on the seats when they drove you to the emergency room? Mike Newton could have held your hand while they stitched you up – and he wouldn't be fighting the urge to kill you the while time he was there. Don't try and take any of this on yourself, Bella. It will only make me more disgusted with myself.'  
'How the hell did Mike Newton end up in this conversation?'  
'Mike Newton ended up in this conversation because Mike Newton would be a hell of a lot healthier for you to be with.' I growled.  
'I'd rather die than be with Mike Newton. I'd rather die than be with a anyone but you.' Normally her melodrama would have brought a smile to my lips. But I was too mad.  
'Don't be melodramatic, please.'  
'Well then, don't you be ridiculous.' How was I being ridiculous? She was the one trying to blame herself or getting a paper cut. I didn't answer though. She too, remained silent, until we pulled up in front of her house.

'Will you stay tonight?' she asked. I didn't want to. I wanted to be alone.  
'I should go home.'  
'For my birthday.' This almost made me smile.  
'You can't have it both ways – either you want people to ignore your birthday or you don't. One or the other.'  
'Okay. I've decided I don't want you to ignore my birthday. I'll see you upstairs.' She got out of the car, and reached for the presents. As if she had really wanted them. I frowned.  
'You don't have to take those.'  
'I want them.'  
'No you don't. Carlisle and Esme spent money on you.'  
'I'll live.' She was mad now. She slammed the door and started to walk away. That wasn't right. I got out to, and was by her side in less than a second.  
'Let me carry them, at least.' I said, taking them before she could reply. 'I'll be in your room.' She smiled.  
'Thanks.'  
'Happy Birthday,' I answered and I leant down to kiss her. As usual, she stood on her tiptoes to try to make it last longer, but I pulled away, smiling, then ran around the back of the house.

I climbed up the tree next to her window, jumped into her room. I heard her greet Charlie. She told him about the party, skipping all the details of the, incident. When he asked her about the bandage, she told him she tripped. I sat in the center of the bed, idly playing with one of the presents. Without her presence, I slipped back into my melancholy mood of before. I didn't deserve Bella; all I did was put her in danger and hurt her. A less selfish creature would have left her alone by now. She entered in her pajamas, smelling of toothpaste.  
'Hi,' I said. She took the presents off me and snuggled into my lap.  
'Hi, can I open my presents now?'  
'Where did all the enthusiasm come from?'  
'You made me curious.' She picked up Carlisle and Esme's present. I didn't quite trust her though.  
'Allow me,' I said, taking it off her and opening it. I handed her the long rectangular box inside.  
'Are you sure I can handle lifting the lid?' she grumbled. I ignored her. She opened it and looked at the tickets inside, confused.  
'We're going to Jacksonville?' she said excitedly. That was funny; I thought she'd be upset.  
'That's the idea.'  
'I can't believe it. Renee's going to flip! You don't mind, though, do you? It's sunny, you'll have to stay inside all day.'  
'I think I can handle it. If I had any idea you could respond to a gift this appropriately, I would have made you open it in front of Carlisle and Esme. I thought you'd complain.'  
'Well, of course it's too much. But I get to take you with me!' I chuckled.  
'Now I wish I'd spent money on your present. I didn't realize you were capable of being reasonable.' She put the tickets away and reached for my present. I unwrapped it for her.  
'What is it?' she asked. I took the CD from her and played it in the CD player. Her lullaby filled the room. She just listened speechless. She started to cry, but wiped away the tears. Why was she crying? I thought she's be happy.  
'Does your arm hurt?' I asked, anxious.  
'No it's not my arm. It's beautiful, Edward. You couldn't have given me anything I'd love more. I can't believe it.' She _was _happy.  
'I didn't think you would let me get a piano so I could play for you here.' I explained.  
'You're right.'  
'How does your arm feel?'  
'Just fine.' She said, but her face betrayed her. She was a horrible liar.  
'I'll get you some Tylenol.'  
'I don't need anything,' she lied again. I just slid her off my lap and walked towards the door.  
'Charlie,' she hissed. As if he would catch me.  
'He won't catch me.' I ran quietly to the bathroom and picked up the full glass of water from the counter and the pills from the medicine cabinet. She took them without bothering to argue.  
'It's late,' I said. Bella needed to sleep. I picked her up and tucked her into her bed and lay down beside her. She leaned her head against my shoulder.  
'Thanks again,' she whispered happily.  
'You're welcome.' Her lullaby ended and Esme's favorite song started. She obviously wanted me, and thought that I was good for her. But I wasn't. Quite simply, she was my prey. I was designed to kill her. My being here wasn't helping her; I wasn't any good for her. But I needed her. I couldn't remember how to live without her; I didn't know how I'd cope. So what was good for me, was potentially disastrous for her. But was it right for me to leave her? She would never want to let me go, even if it was what was best for her. She had no sense of self preservation.  
'What are you thinking about?' she asked, breaking my reverie. I hesitated, I obviously couldn't tell he the whole truth.  
'I was thinking about right and wrong, actually.' She frowned slightly. She didn't like my answer. She changed to subject.  
'Remember how I decided that I wanted you to _not _ignore my birthday?' she asked.  
'Yes,' I answered warily.  
'Well, I was thinking, because it's still my birthday, that I'd like you to kiss me again.'  
'You're greedy tonight.'  
'Yes, I am – but please don't do anything you don't want to do.' She added. I laughed and then sighed. I had to do things I didn't want to do, if they were what was best for her.  
'Heaven forbid I would do anything I don't want to do.' But I kissed her anyway. I started as carefully as usual, and listened to Bella's heart overreact. But then everything became clear. If I was going to follow my previous train of thought, which I had pretty much decided I would, this could be the last time I kissed Bella. My free hand, that wasn't holding Bella's face, twisted into her hair, holding her close to me. Her hands twisted in my hair too, and, for once, I didn't stop her. She held me close, and then I came back to myself, I didn't want to hurt her. I pushed her away gently. She collapsed onto her pillow gasping.  
'Sorry,' I panted, 'that was out of line.'  
'_I _don't mind,' she answered quickly. I frowned.  
'Try to sleep, Bella,'  
'No, I want you to kiss me again.'  
'You're overestimating my self-control' I sighed.  
'Which is tempting you more, my blood or my body?'  
'It's a tie.' I grinned, 'Now, why don't you stop pushing your luck and go to sleep?'  
'Fine.' She agreed and snuggled closer. She pressed her arm to my shoulder. It probably hurt again, and I was as good as ice to her.

Soon, I would have to leave. I wasn't good for her. I would never hurt her again. This would be the last night I spent with her. In a few days, I would tell her I didn't want her anymore, that she was no good for me. Tomorrow, I would start telling the biggest lie of my life.

**Hope you liked it, not quite as long as the last one, but still took ages. I'll probably update again next weekend. Mwah.**


	4. Chp 3 The End

**The End**

**Still don't own Twilight. ********Okay, I've kinda ditched Jacob's POV. He's boring, and I am so Team Edward… If you want to know Jacob's POV, read my friend Pirate Bee's story. I f you don't know who she is, she's one of the only two people reviewing me…Grrrr. This is going to be a long chapter. Bear with me. AND REVIEW.  
**

That night, Bella's sleep talking was more frantic than usual. She said my name, and that she loved me, but that was normal. It didn't bring the usual smugness though. She tossed and turned too. I didn't want to leave, but I couldn't stand staying. When she finally slipped into a gentle, dreamless sleep, I was relieved. I climbed silently out the window, and ran all the way to my family's house. No doubt Alice already knew what I had planned, and so by now would the rest of the family. I thought up arguments as I ran, trying to distract myself from the disturbing thought that I had run this same way yesterday morning, in a haste to get back to the girl I was now running from. I reached the house all too soon; I wasn't prepared for what I had to do yet.

As soon as I entered, I was besieged by Alice.  
'Edward, don't do it. It will destroy both of you. You can't Edward. Please. I love her too. I won't let you hurt her,' she half pleaded, half commanded.  
'If I stay, it will destroy us. This way, it might only destroy me,' I said gently. Slightly louder, I addressed my family. 'No doubt Alice has already told you, I'm leaving. My very existence threatens Bella; I won't hurt her, or put her in danger anymore.'  
The rest of the family was standing in a loose semi-circle near the door.  
'We'll come with you,' Emmett said immediately. Rosalie glared at him frostily. 'Well, I'll come,' he added quickly.  
'We'll all come, Carlisle said gently.  
_'You don't have to leave,' _Esme thought at me.  
'I do. I can't live here, not when the price could be Bella's life. I have three options. Stay, and put her life in danger every second we're together. I could change her, but I won't take away her soul like that. Or I could leave. She won't be in danger and I… I'll live.'  
'You'll destroy her, she can't live without you,' Alice wailed.  
'She's human; she'll forget and move on.' I said coldly.  
'And what about you?' she asked, 'Will you move on?'  
'It doesn't matter about me. Bella's life is more important.' Alice just glared at me.  
'It's about time we move on anyway, I'm claiming that I am thirty-three, I look about twenty-five. We all know we can only stay in one place for so long.' That was Carlisle. I would have smiled at him for supporting me, but those muscles didn't seem to work anymore.  
'_Bella, my daughter, he'll ruin both their lives.' _Esme thought.  
'I'm so sorry, Edward,' said Jasper solemnly, 'this is all my fault.'  
'No, Carlisle's right, we have to leave anyway. I'm not human. I can't pretend that I am for Bella.' As I spoke those words, I desperately willed myself to believe them.  
'Great. So we're leaving, because of Edward's stupid obsession with that human girl,' said Rosalie. A growl rose up in my throat, and I barely restrained myself from pouncing on her. Alice put her hand on my arm.  
'We'll go to Europe,' said Carlisle, 'We'll start again. My friends over there told me of a house that would suit our needs.'  
'I think… I need to be….alone… for a while,' Jasper whispered in a strained voice.  
_'It's all my fault, it's all my fault. Stupid, weak…' _he was thinking.  
'I don't think I'll be joining you for a while either.' I said, 'I might live alone for a bit.' I didn't think I could stand living with my family, not so soon after losing Bella. The idea of spending all day around Rosalie made me feel slightly nauseated.  
'Whatever you need son,' said Carlisle sympathetically, 'we'll leave tomorrow morning, you can join us when you're ready.' He was planning what he would say to the rest of the hospital. Alice was sulking in the corner. She came up to me again.  
'You are so stupid. You think you are doing the right thing by Bella, but you will destroy her. She can't live without you.' While everyone was talking, Jasper had slipped out.  
'I'm going to try to convince Jasper to go to Denali. If you get a chance, tell Bella it wasn't my choice, I'm sorry I didn't say goodbye, and I love her,' she glared at me and disappeared out the door.  
'I'll miss Bella too,' Emmett had come up behind me, 'She was a little sister to me.'  
'You're being so stupid Edward. But what can I expect?' sneered Rosalie as she followed Emmett upstairs. Carlisle put his hand on my shoulder.  
'I know you think you're doing the right thing son. It's up to you,' Esme just hugged me wordlessly, sobbing quietly. Finally, I stood alone in the empty room. I turned and ran back to Bella, my heart heavy in my chest.

I sat watching Bella sleep. She was still restless, and light was beginning to spill through the window. Eventually she woke up, looking un-rested, despite her full night's sleep. I was careful to keep my expression smooth and unfeeling as I kissed her forehead and climbed out the window. I back to my now empty home, started up the car and left, without going inside.

I was at the school far too early. I sat in the car without turning on the music. Finally, she arrived. I tried not to make my relief show as I opened the door for her.  
'How is your arm?' I asked. Even if I was leaving, I didn't want her to be hurting.  
'Perfect,' she said, but she cringed as I slammed the door. The rest of the morning she seemed inpatient, but didn't say anything. Whenever the need to talk to her was too strong, I would ask about her arm. She always said it didn't hurt, but she didn't convince me.

When we sat down to lunch, she was still looking impatient. After a while, I realized she was waiting for Alice. She watched as members of Alice's French class filed into the cafeteria. I thought about passing on Alice's message, but I couldn't bring myself to. I concentrated on slowly dissecting a granola bar.  
'Where's Alice?' she asked.  
'She's with Jasper.' It was the truth, technically.  
'Is he okay?'  
'He's gone away for a while.'  
'What? Where?'  
'Nowhere in particular.'  
'And Alice too,' this seemed to depress her.  
'Yes. She'll be gone for a while. She was trying to convince him to go to Denali.' This seemed to distress her even more. I felt the familiar surge of frustration as I tried to imagine what was going on inside her head.  
'Is your arm bothering you?'  
'Who cares about my stupid arm?' she muttered. I didn't respond, and after a while she put her head down on the table. That was about our conversation for the day.

Finally, school was over and I walked her too her truck.  
'You'll come over later tonight?' she asked, her first words since lunchtime. This surprised me. Usually I came over first thing after school.  
'Later?'  
'I have to work. I had to trade with Mrs. Newton to get yesterday off.'  
'Oh,' I murmured. As if it had done Bella any good to have yesterday off. I remembered Alice and my stubborn persistence to have her over for her party. In that moment, I hated Mrs. Newton for letting Bella have yesterday off. Then I remembered that I wasn't allowed to blame anyone but me. We had been lucky yesterday hadn't happened sooner. It was inevitable. Bella was speaking to me.  
'So you'll come over when I'm home though, right?'  
'If you want me to,' I answered, once again working hard to keep my voice detached.  
'I'll always want you.' She replied earnestly. Usually I would have smiled, or laughed.  
'All right then,' I said as I kissed her forehead, shut the door, and headed back to my car. It was nearly impossible not to look back.

I pulled in at home. Then I realized I was being stupid. Why had I come here? It was empty. I pulled out of the garage again, and headed to Bella's house. I would spend some time with Charlie.

I let myself into Bella's house. Charlie was sitting on the couch, watching TV.  
'Good afternoon Chief Swan,' I greeted him politely.  
'Edward? What are you doing here? Bella's working this afternoon, she won't be back till later.'  
'I know. My family is out, so I thought I'd wait for her here. Is that okay?'  
'Yeah, sure, fine.' He answered, 'have a seat.'

We watched a game. I wasn't sure which one. I wasn't paying attention. When Charlie asked me which team I supported, I picked what he wanted me to say out of his head. Half way through, Charlie got up to get some pizza. He didn't bother offering me some. Finally, it ended and ESPN SportsCenter came on. I heard Bella's truck pull up in the driveway. I concentrated on the TV, trying to make it appear that my attention was solely there.  
'Dad? Edward'  
'In here,' called Charlie  
'Hi,' she greeted us. She seemed weak. Probably freaked out as to why I was watching the TV. I worked hard not to look up at her.  
'Hey, Bella. We just had cold pizza. I think it's still on the table.'  
'Okay,' she answered, but she didn't move. I waited, but still, she didn't move. She was waiting for some form of response from me. I looked over my shoulder at her.  
'I'll join you in a second,' I promised, making my eyes flicker back to the TV, as though it held any remote interest for me. She left. I heard her go into the kitchen, but she didn't eat. Charlie started to talk to me. I responded, trying to put the appropriate level of enthusiasm into my voice. She sat still for a long time, then she flicked through her scrapbook, and headed upstairs. I heard her take a picture of her room. Then she sneaked back downstairs, probably trying to surprise us. I humored her. I didn't look up.

She snapped the picture of us, after hesitating for a while. I looked at her, keeping my expression blank.  
'What are you doing, Bella?' Charlie complained. She tried to smile.  
'Oh come on,' she said, moving to sit on the floor in front of Charlie, 'You know Mum will be calling to ask if I'm using my presents. I have to get to work before she can get her feelings hurt.'  
'Why are you taking pictures of me though?'  
'Because you're so handsome. And because you brought the camera, you're obligated to be one of the subjects.' Charlie just mumbled grumpily. She tossed the camera to me, 'Hey, Edward, take one of me and my dad together.' I caught the camera and Bella moved to kneel by Charlie. She wasn't smiling.  
'You need to smile Bella.' She tried, and I flashed the camera.  
'Let me take one of you kids.' Charlie suggested, trying, just like his daughter, to step out of the spotlight. I tossed the camera to him, and Bella came over to me. I put my hand lightly on her shoulder and she wrapped her arm, slightly tighter, around my waist. It felt to formal and structured.  
'Smile, Bella,' said Charlie and he took the picture. I dropped my arm and twisted out of her grip and sat back down. She sat back down next to Charlie. I had the strange feeling, that out of the three of us, Charlie was the only one really watching the TV.

After the show, I stood up.  
'I'd better get home.'  
'See ya,' answered Charlie, without looking up. I left, and Bella followed me. I walked to my car before she spoke.  
'Will you stay?' she didn't sound hopeful.  
'Not tonight.' I didn't give a reason and she didn't ask for one. I drove back to my empty house, only to run back to Bella and watch her sleep. I made no contact, just listened to her restless dreams.

The next morning, I left before Bella woke up, ran home, and drove to school. I didn't speak to Bella as she pulled up after me, just walked with her to her class. She seemed distracted, and in English, Mr. Berty asked her a question three times, before I picked the correct answer out of his head and whispered it to her. That was the only time we talked all day. At lunch she gave her camera to Jessica to take pictures of her friends and Jessica returned it, out of film, at the end of lunch. At the end of the day, I walked her to her car silently, and then drove back to my house. I sat in the forest until night fell, and I knew she'd be asleep. I ran to her house to watch her dream, only to leave before she woke up.

Once again, the school day passed without either of us speaking to each other. I'd decided today was the day I would leave. When she got in the car, I spoke to her, for the first time all day.  
'Do you mind if I come over today?'  
'Of course not.'  
'Now?'  
'Sure. I was just going to drop a letter for Renee in the mailbox on the way. I'll meet you there.' I couldn't wait. I had to do this before my courage expired. I snagged the letter.  
'I'll do it. And I'll still beat you there.' I tried to smile, but she wasn't convinced.  
'Okay.'

I drove to the mailbox at top speed, then to Bella's house. Charlie wasn't home yet, so I parked in his spot. I waited until I heard the truck pull in, preparing myself for what I had to do. When she pulled in, I got out of my car to greet her.  
'Come for a walk with me,' I suggested, keeping my face blank. I took her hand. I pulled her along when she didn't respond. She looked panicked. I didn't take her far before I stopped. If I wasn't going to be there to take her back, I didn't want her to get lost.  
'Okay, let's talk,' she said, before I could start. I took a deep breath. From now on, I couldn't go back.  
'Bella, we're leaving.' She didn't seem as panicked as I thought she'd be.  
'Why now? Another year-'  
'Bella, it's time. How much longer can we stay in Forks after all? Carlisle can barely pass for thirty and he's claiming thirty-three right now. We'd have to start over soon, regardless.' I tried desperately to convince myself that this was why I was leaving. That we had to go, I couldn't stay here… Bella looked confused. I wanted so badly to reach out to her and hold her. Tell her I was so sorry, I couldn't bear to leave her. I pushed my selfish side down and stared back at her coldly. You've got to be cruel to be kind I thought grimly.  
'When you say _we-_'she whispered.  
'I mean my family and myself,' I replied firmly. She shook her head mechanically, and couldn't speak for a few minutes. Just like me, unable to comprehend any future without the other in it.  
'Okay, I'll come with you.' She said finally. I wanted so badly to say yes.  
'You can't, Bella. Where we're going…It's not the right place for you.'  
'Where you are is the right place for me.'  
'I'm no good for you, Bella.' It felt a relief to be finally speaking the truth, though I knew if I were to do this, it couldn't last.  
'Don't be ridiculous,' she practically begged, 'You're the very best part of my life.'  
'My world is not for you,'  
'What happened with Jasper – that was nothing, Edward, nothing.'  
'You're right. It was exactly what was to be expected.'  
'You promised! In Phoenix you promised that you would stay-'  
'As long as that was best for you.'  
'_No! _This is about my soul isn't it?' she shouted, 'Carlisle told me about that, and I don't care, Edward. I don't care! You can have my soul. I don't want it without you – It's yours already!' There was no getting around it. I hardened by resolve as I stared unseeing at the ground.  
'Bella, I don't want you to come with me,' I sad slowly. She paused, seeming to not be able o comprehend those words, as I couldn't. I expected her to call me a fraud, and bring up every little act and every time I'd proved that I couldn't exist without her.  
'You…don't…want me?' she asked.  
'No.'  
'Well, that changes things.' She believed me. I tried to feel relived, but I couldn't. It was all I could do not to fall to the floor and weep. What had I done wrong? How hadn't I convinced her of my undying devotion to her? I looked into the trees as I answered.  
'Of course I'll always love you…in a way. But I'm…tired of pretending to be something I'm not, Bella. I am not human. I've let this go on much too long and I'm sorry for that.'  
'Don't,' she whispered, 'Don't do this.'  
'You're not good for me Bella.'  
'If…that's what you want.' I nodded, as if it somehow reduced the impact of the lie if I didn't say it aloud.  
'I'd like to ask one favor though, if that's not too much,' she looked at me, and I knew she wouldn't argue with anything I said.  
'Anything.' I couldn't keep my voice detached anymore, this was too important.  
'Don't do anything reckless or stupid. Do you understand what I'm saying?' she just nodded. My face became blank again, reassured that she would be safe in my absence.  
'I'm thinking of Charlie, of course. He needs you. Take care of yourself-for him.'  
'I will.' She whispered.  
'And I'll make you a promise in return. I promise this will be the last time you'll see me. I won't come back. I won't put you through anything like this again. You can go on with your life without any interference from me. It will be as if I never existed.' I was really promising this to myself. I would never hurt Bella again. She started to shake. I made a massive effort to smile at her.  
'Don't worry. You're human – your memory is no more than a sieve. Time heals all wounds for your kind.'  
'And your memories?'  
'Well,' I paused. Obviously I couldn't let on the agony I was preparing myself for without her, 'I won't forget. But _my _kind…we're very easily distracted. That's everything I suppose. We won't bother you again.' I took a step back.  
'Alice isn't coming back,' she realized.  
'No. They're all gone. I stayed behind to tell you goodbye.'  
'Alice is gone?' she asked, still disbelieving.  
'She wanted to say goodbye, but I convinced her a clean break would be better for you.' It was as close to the truth as I could say.  
'Goodbye, Bella.' I said quietly.  
'Wait,' she choked, and tried to stagger forward. I reached for her automatically. I put her arms by her sides and pressed my lips to her forehead. She closed her eyes.  
'Take care of yourself.' I whispered. I ran away, and didn't look back.

**That's it for now. I'll update again next weekend, if I can. **


	5. Chp4 The Void

**The Void**

**Okay...I didn't get the five reviews I asked for, grrrr. But I missed writing; I want to know what happens next. And as long as a few lovely people are reading my story, it's okay, right? I don't own Twilight. Stephanie Meyer does. Sigh.**

I ran. I kept running as though I could run from the horror of what I had done, run out of this world and into a new one, where my existence couldn't harm Bella. I waited for the exhilaration of the sheer speed came over me, but there was nothing. Without Bella, there was nothing.

I turned over the conversation in my head, looking for a loophole that would let me back into her life. All that I could think was I had promised was that it would be like I had never existed. I hoped, for Bella's sake that itthat was true. For me, I couldn't imagine anything worse. But I would keep that promise, it would be the last thing I would do for Bella.

I returned to her house. Her scent was stamped all over it. I felt the thirst overpower me, and I was appalled. A small part of me had hoped that I would grow immune, and return to Bella. Grimly I climbed up the tree and into her room. I foundfind her scrapbook. She had put in all the photos, and labelled them. It was all so neat. I couldn't imagine anything less Bella. She must have had way too much time. I realized numbly what pain I must have been putting her through, all in the name of saving her.

I removed each photo of me. There were three. The first I was smiling warmly at the camera. My eyes were alive and bright. This was the one Bella had thought wouldn't develop. The next two were of me in the lounge room. My eyes were remote, as though there were a shield between me and the rest of the world. I put all three photos on the bed. I removed the CD from the CD player and added that to the pile, along with the plane tickets. I was about to tear them up, breaking up the last remaining physical reminders of my love for Bella, but instead, I hid them under one of her loose floorboards. These would stay with her. She wouldn't know they were there, but I felt better still having them in the world, near Bella.

I ran again. I didn't go home, there was nothing much left there but the furniture and memories. My possessions had been taken to the house Esme was restoring in Cornell. I would go there, try to start over without Bella. I knew I part of me would always miss her, but I would survive. I had lived before Bella; I could live after her too.

*

I sat in my room, staring into space. Esme had done everything to make this room like the old one, back in Forks. I had done everything to make it unlike that room. I had ripped up the carpet, mutilated the sound system, broken all my CD's and records. I knew of my family's dismay at my actions, they were careful not to think about it directly, but I could pick up on the general mood of their thoughts. Esme's breath hitched every time see came in to check on me, Emmett was unusually quiet, Carlisle always told me that he loved me, and he was sure I would do the right thing. Alice always trembled, seeing visions of bleakness and loneliness without Bella. Rosalie was the only one was open with me. To the displeasure of the rest of the family, she screamed at me, calling memy selfish, self absorbed. She told me that I didn't care forabout anyone but . I wasn't blind. I could see the pain I was putting my family through. But it was nothing compared to my pain.

My heart felt as though it was gone. Every thought was aasorbedabsorbed with Bella, or avoiding thinking about Bella. Thanks to my perfect recall, I could remember the exact look on her face when I told her I was leaving. Maybe I was just being selfish. The though that I was doing the right thing washad been the only thing that had been keeping me going. But maybe I was just trying to satisfy my need to be noble. Maybe I should have stayed and tried to make her happy. Whenever this thought crossed my mind, which was often, I almost sprinted back to Forks. But thethey thought of her, lifeless stopped me. Barely.

I had forbidden Alice to look into Bella's future. Her time was divided between looking into her life before a vampire, and convincing Jasper that it wasn't his fault that we had had to leave. She was planning to take him to Denali soon; she said he needed a change in scenery, but I knew it was because he needed to get away from me. I was scattering my family. I had decided to leave, I would track down Victoria, and eliminateelement the last threat to Bella from the supernatural world. I was fairly sure that Victoria wouldn't come back for Bella, but as long as she was doing something that connected me to Bella, I would be able to wait out the rest of my existence.

*

I swam to Phoenix, not wanting to risk the public eye. I was a mess. Even to human's eyes, I was no longer beautiful. The dark bruises under my eyes were even more pronounced, and my eyes were dark pits. I never bothered to hunt anymore. I found Victoria's scent near the ballet studio, nearly six months old. I followed it into the wilderness, all the while straining to reach her thoughts. I followed her through the woods, and for the first time since I left, I hunted. My strength replenished, I followed her until the trail went into the water. I followed it as far along the coastline as I could, but I couldn't see that she had resurfaced along this shore. She had been travelling fairly slowly, her need not as urgent as mine. Perhaps I had caught up to her, and she was now trying to trick me. I broadened my mind, but couldn't hear her thoughts anywhere. After some time, I dived into the water. I would check every coastline in the world, but I would find her.

I surfaced in Canada, Albuquerque, Madagascar and Russia, with no sign of her scent. It had taken me a month; whatever advantage I may have had was long gone. She could be anywhere in the world by now. Eventually, I came to South America. I climbed onto a deserted beach, my throat burning from thirst. I breathed in for the first time in a week. Her scent hit my nostrils so strongly she could only have just been here. I raced off in the direction of the trail.

The trail seemed to lead me in circles. I followed it for weeks, without getting any closer to Victoria. Eventually, I had to accept that I had been following a false trail. I raced into the nearest shelter, an abandoned house, crawled into the attic, and let the void take over me. I would not resurface.

**A/N: Sorry, in new moon, that's half the book, but Edward doesn't do much, so I just left it as one chapter. I promise the next one will be more interesting!!**

**Beta Note: Hi guys are beta's allowed to have notes?? Oh well I'm **_**dazzling-but-not-cute-Alice**_**'s beta **_**Rachie81**_** and we were both disappointed at the lack of reviews tsk tsk oh well hope u enjoy :-)**


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